When I fly, I read. Period. I read an entire book on my way to San Francisco - and it was SO worth reading. It was my 3rd book of the year, so if I can finish another one this month (unlikely, let’s be honest) I’ll be caught up with my “read a book a month” plan…but summer is coming and television is TERRIBLE in the summer so my reading typically takes a bit of a spike!
While waiting to board and sitting on that plane (for not very long at all), I took in wisdom and humor and a whole lot of heart from Annie Downs. I cried along with her in several moments and found much of myself scrawled across her pages. I also found myself moved by all the ways the Lord used her brokenness and honesty in the midst of her struggle to reveal the work He has accomplished in me and give me glimpses of how far I have come.
She talks about how she ran away from pain and pushed it down - in the Lord’s infinite grace and presence, He has taught me how to embrace pain and live fully in the midst of it. I have BECOME because of it. It doesn’t mean I like it, but I am definitely a more significant person because I have learned to walk closely with Jesus through challenges far beyond what I would have ever envisioned. “My capacity to see beauty has increased in a much bigger way than the pain I felt. My ability to feel the depths of something good was strengthen by my choice to feel the depths of pain. The more I hang on and feel, the more I am able to feel.”
I used to be a bit of a pretender, but in the past few years I have definitely seen the Lord break that in me and ask me to be honest. To let people in. To trust those I love with the hard in my life. It took me a while, but I have given away big pieces of my heart and I have seen Him use that in mighty ways. That vulnerable and exposed has brought depth to friendships and allowed growth I could have never anticipated. It is hard and painful, but my goodness it is rich and undoubtedly of Jesus. “It’s not about pretending everything is beautiful and nothing is ugly and you have no questions or doubts and picking out the beautiful in your everyday is going to protect you from anything hurting ever. It’s about feeling the pain, letting the sufferings be a part of your life, embracing the Romans 5:3 moments so you can process through the Romans 5:4 days so you live a Romans 5:5 hope-filled life. There is beauty in choosing to feel pain, in calling hurt what it is, and not pretending everything is okay. Whatever tragedy you have experienced or are currently living through, the most beautiful thing you can do is LIVE. Keep walking, keep weeping, keep eating. Don’t ignore the hurt. Don’t attempt to avoid it and just move on with your life. Feel it all, and invite people in to feel it with you.”
I am definitely a crier and I so related to Annie when she talked about ALL THE TEARS. This particular section of the book was about singleness and how even though she is grateful for her beautiful life, it is difficult to hope - perhaps impossible to hope - that there is a joy coming that will ever outdo the quantities of tears that have been shed over the hard and lonely and heartbreaking that exists here. But even in that she gave the following admonition and I will cling tightly to this and perhaps even claim this verse as another nugget of truth to get me through the darkest days.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them. Psalm 125:5-6
“When my heart is broken and I am weeping, when tragedy hits and I feel like the tears will never stop/ when I feel like I’ve cried an ocean, the Bible says they are just seeds. Then the seeds are covered in dirt, and persevere through the season of growth. There’s that perseverance. That reminder not to give up. Because somehow I sow tears and reap joy. And the joy will be greater.”
If you have time, it is absolutely worth taking a moment (or two - but seriously I read it on the way to San Fran so it isn't a HUGE investment we're talking about) to read Looking for Lovely and allowing your heart to be unlocked by truth - inspired by a dear woman of God navigating the storm and finding ways to rejoice even in the midst of the darkness. The Lord met her as she clung to Him and used her story to remind me of His great faithfulness and constant presence throughout my winding road as well. What a GREAT GOD we are loved by and what an honor to be His child.
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