The heart, such an interesting part of human existence. Some days it seems to handle business and take things in stride. Other days it just can’t pull it together and it threatens to explode or fall into total disrepair at any given moment. Today is a disaster day. I woke up and was in tears almost instantly. All it took was a tiny thought. It welled up from deep within me and the ache was just too big.
I was reading a blog this morning - the first day of advent - and the author’s words just rang so true:
“hope seems to have thin reins this year…may we see our sorrow, our grief, our difficulties as they are without trying to extract meaning or closure before their time has come…may we give sadness room to breathe even as we wait for the joy to come…”
It has been a challenging year for me on all fronts. Work has been tumultuous and exhausting, my head has never been worse. I have watched dear friends get married, fall in love, have babies. I have watched them move into new chapters of their lives while I have been left longing and waiting and trying to remain steadfast and hopeful. It is easy to KNOW the Lord has a perfect plan, it is much harder to rest and live in peace that His timing is supreme and that He is both able and sovereign and for whatever reason is choosing to say - not you, not now. I have sat at the foot of the cross on more than one occasion and begged for grace and mercy, for Him to give me the capacity to walk forward with joy, to help me choose gratitude instead of bitterness, to continue to serve and pour out even though I feel empty and depleted. He is faithful. Even in the moments when my heart feels shattered, He is bigger and more and He sees and hears even the words I can’t speak because the pain is too great. When the world seems to minimize the feelings or just can’t quite comprehend, He promises understanding. He doesn’t ask me to mask the weary or pretend it’s all ok, but to come to Him heavy laden and burdened and He will give me rest. What a beautiful invitation. To lay the sorrows at His feet, to allow Him to care and carry the heaviness and the weight of the tears. I don’t know when the pangs of disappoint with cease or if His perfect plan for my life includes the deepest desires of my heart - but I do know that He chose me and He is enough. My humanity my scream otherwise, but the truth in the depths of my soul shall ever be, it is well.
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