The lyrics to Great is Thy Faithfulness say…strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…as I listened to the song on repeat this morning, the tears just poured. Oh how desperately I need both. I am a leaky vessel. I cannot hold onto hope and trying is exhausting.
It is almost 2016 and as I reflect on 2015 I remember right where it started. I was in the car driving back from San Diego after the (kiss less) traditional New Years Eve festivities watching the miles pass by talking on the phone with my dear sweet Mands - she was crying, admitting the longing and deep desire for a husband, the cry of her heart to be loved and to walk into the next season of life - I cried along with her echoing her heart and reminding her that she wasn’t alone. 2015 was her year. She has a Tanner now and in 2016 she will walk down the aisle, say I do, and become Mrs. Amanda Jennifer Roth. 2015 was NOT my year. Not one date, not one inkling of real hope except in watching Amanda’s story unfold and the promise that God is faithful revealed on repeat in her life. Her story is a beautiful testament to His love for His children; but it isn’t my story and if I am really honest, on some level, it made the longing even deeper and more profound.
I still live in the tension of being asked to cling to Him in hope and be patient in trusting His plan. He isn’t desperate, He isn’t anxious, He isn’t a leaky vessel. He doesn’t wonder IF or WHEN I will meet my husband. He knows. He is the FULLNESS of hope. He is restoration. He is the planter of the seeds of all the dreams I have and the fulfillment of every desire in my heart. All throughout the Bible there are examples of the Lord asking His people to wait - and those who waited patiently reaped the greatest reward. I long to be found as a faithful servant who rests and trusts the ultimate vision of her Father who undoubtedly has her best at heart and sees a picture far greater than she can comprehend. I do not want to grumble or complain or scoff at the manna and abundant provisions He blesses me with because they aren’t the depiction of what I have envisioned. I understand my life is not empty. I see the beautiful picture and yet, the tears still pour. As I work on Amanda’s wedding invitations and craft with Anna for Adelynn’s first birthday party, when I opened the text with a picture of sweet Adelynn announcing she is a big sister meaning my lifelong best friend Anna is officially pregnant with baby number 2 and think about all that 2016 will hold I can’t help but crumble just a smidge. Oh how I wanted to be pregnant with Anna or raise our babies together. How fun it would have been to double date with Amanda. The hope seems to drain instantly and it feels incomprehensible that new dreams will ever be as good as the ones I am having to bury. Perhaps 2016 will be my year. Perhaps not. Undoubtedly I will still be human - and patience will not come easily. I will remain a leaky vessel and will need the Lord to provide an abundance of hope for it will continue to drain out of me even as I cling to Him. Even still may my heart ever sing…
“Great is Thy faithfulness O God my Father, there is no shadow of turning with Thee; Thou changes not, Thy compassions, they fail not, as Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be…strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”
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