toughie...

Today was a tough one. Well, if I'm really honest, the past few days have been tough - and that would extend to the past few weeks, and months, etc., but this morning, pathetic reached entirely new lows. This morning I woke up all kinds of sick. Woke up is a relative term when sleeping is not something I do very often these days, but I was aroused from my fitful haze and there was no question I needed to get up urgently. We don't have to go into details but the nausea could not be stopped and I spent a lot of time getting more intimately acquainted with my restroom - I am so grateful that I moved into the master bedroom in May and currently have total bathroom access and privacy - the Lord was so kind in His timing in that regard. From about 5am - 8am I played the back and forth game lying down and hoping to get comfortable just in time for another wave to come on strong and force me to return to face the music. Just as things subsided, I had to get up for good to head to the office, I was already beyond exhausted so before the day really even started, I gave up. I had worn a little dress to bed the night before so I pulled on some leggings, threw my hair in a pony, brushed my teeth and headed out the door. For those of you that know me, you know this is WAY outside my usual morning routine. There was no 5-minute face or accessory contemplation, my lips were totally naked and I didn't even have it in me to care. I made it through the workday and immediately returned home. I did not pass go or collect $200 (thanks Monopoly). I'm in that same little dress in bed right now.

Tonight as I laid bed in tears, I battled. Everything about this season has been excruciatingly painful both physically and emotionally. Today I really wanted to take Cinnabon to my friend J with a little note to celebrate her kicking off another year in the classroom - J teaches special education and she is amazing. I was texting with my best (Carrie) trying to somehow encapsulate my heartbreak over all of this and she responded so simply saying, "You can't always be there for everyone and it's okay. We know your heart is always there and willing but right now the body isn't." Oh how beautifully each word came laced with grace and compassion - I so desperately needed to hear that I am understood and beloved even in the midst of this - a space in which everything is seemingly stripped away and I have so very little to offer. I feel like such a small and compromised version of myself, I'm humbled and broken and yet see the Lord so faithfully reaching out His hand and proving time and time again that He is good and He is near. I cannot seem to find my feet and I don't know when the ground will feel solid again, but I know that I have a good Father and He sees me and loves me so tangibly even now through the tender words of my beautiful best friend who spoke directly to my heart and whispered freedom right when I needed it most.