a side of tears and a healthy handful of longing

There is a big looming question I get asked often and repeatedly. I think I hate the question because it typically comes laced with pressure and expectation and perhaps even judgement. It is a question that instantly makes me feel less valid or seen.  Like somehow this stage of life is my fault. I don’t fully understand the WHY of where I am, but I want so badly to trust and rest in the supremacy of God, knowing that He has the BEST for my life in His hands and will provide in His perfect timing. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the big question is, “have you started dating online yet?”.

As soon as the question is asked I have to start fighting tears. I will be 30 in less than 2 months. I have watched a lot of my friends get married, many of them have babies. I had visions of living THAT life alongside them. It isn’t happening. I will turn 30 with no husband and no possibility of children for quite some time. And though there is a sting that comes along with that, I’m trying to just live my best life - full and invested in others - with joy and enthusiasm. However, when the dating questions comes into play, I sink. I haven’t been asked out on a date since college. I guess there is this idyllic and fairyland part of me that still wants to feel wanted - like REALLY wanted - not like I raised my hand and said “PICK ME”. And I know times have changed and that’s where the dating scene exists these days, but it feels so empty, so statistical in nature and void of heartbeat. And I’m sure if I met my husband online all those feelings would instantly vanish and I would be SO GLAD I did it, but in the meantime there is this longing and gnawing desire to be noticed, recognized, celebrated for who I am - not just by the amazing women in my life, but by someone who could potentially be my spouse. That coupled with this deep sadness over the thought of having to potentially sign myself up for a husband.

So what do I do with that? Do I give in? Do I grab a bottle of champs, put on my cozies, fire up the laptop and succumb to the tears while creating my dating profile and just see what happens? Or do I stand my ground and wait for “the right one” to come along some other way, trusting that God will provide in the right time in the right way? Who am I to say that online dating isn’t the way it is going to happen? Is this all just pride? I wish I knew how to differentiate all the feels - it all seems so convoluted and dark and vastly unknown.

I do know this… I think I’m a catch, and I really would love to be married someday - and adopt or foster a couple kids to create my little family. I praise the Lord He planted that dream years ago so I don’t have to feel like my body is going to deny me when I’m ready to that next adventure. In the meantime, I’ll continue to be a darn good aunt shell and love every minute of it even if it comes with a side of tears and a healthy handful of longing and wishing for my turn.