2015

It’s 2015. A New Year. That should somehow insinuate new hope and the aura of endless possibilities. Unfortunately I’m feeling a little more doom and gloom these days – can HP hand over the cloak of invisibility so I can just disappear for a while? I woke up on New Years Day thinking… Well, this is it. 2015. The year I turn 30…without a husband, or a house, or any potential for children, but with plenty of student loans to keep me company.  How utterly idyllic. I just love it when my head pops off the pillow that way. And this is where you can all stop me, you can say loving things about how my life has so much worth and value, and how great it is to be single because I can contribute and be present for my friends in such wonderful ways, and I can be invested and involved in ministry, and I don’t have to ask for permission when I go shopping. And you’d all be right. There are amazing things that come with this stage of life – a stage that many never get to enjoy. But there are also really hard things, things that it feels almost pointless to explain because if you haven’t been here, if you haven’t sat here, prayed here, cried here, perhaps you just can’t get it. And maybe you don’t have to. Maybe there is a place where it can be hard and disappointing and empty and sad and you can just care. Without fixing it. Without expectation that it will change. Because I will still go out there and live my one wild and adventurous life. FULLY. With great joy and enthusiasm. And I will be so grateful for the blessings along the way. And I will cheer and celebrate and be fully present. But I will also retreat to the quiet, honest, vulnerable space where it is ok to say that sometimes life isn’t quite what I expected. And the tears will come. And on my knees I will ask yet again for God to put me exactly where He wants me, and give me the strength and endurance to be who He is asking regardless of the circumstances. And He will faithfully meet me in that space; and if you’re up for the challenge, well, then you’re welcome there too. Cheers to 2015 and all it may bring; I’m not in the slightest bit ready, but time waits for no one so I’m facing reality one day at a time!