This is awesome. People love this.

Mindy Kaling is absolutely hilarious. She is a writer for The Office, has her own show: The Mindy Project, and wrote the New York Times Bestseller: Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? (and other concerns). While in the air over the weekend (I'll post about my actual travels at a later point in time) I was finally able to read her book...and literally disturbed people by laughing too loudly. I've included my favorite chapter below for your enjoyment, and added the italicized portions to make this chapter more personal. Please go buy the book...now...and laugh a lot. You can thank me later! 

Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities 

by Mindy Kaling

italicized portions by Shelly Swope for Megan McAlpine

I CAN BORROW ALL YOUR CLOTHES

Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. If I get something on it or lose it, I should make all good faith attempts to get it cleaned or buy you a new one, but I don’t need to do that, and you still have to love me. If I ruin something of yours and don’t replace it, you’re allowed to talk shit about me to our other friends for one calendar year. That’s it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation to my borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item at least once before I borrow it. I’m not a monster.

I’m pretty sure you stole and kept some pj pants, a CBU sweatshirt, and at least one or two cute tops (I’m thinking pink jacket from my 21^st or was it my 22^nd birthday, but perhaps I gave you that). In fact, I might be able to come search your closet and find some of my clothes there today, like 9 years later!

WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED

If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us not to share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

I know, we do not share a bed…because you can’t sleep when we do. I will amend this to read, WE DON’T SLEEP IN THE SAME BED BUT WILL STAY UP WAY TOO LATE WATCHING TERRIBLE TELEVISION AND NEED MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF COFFEE TO SURVIVE THE NEXT DAY (and every day!).

I MUST BE 100 PERCENT HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK, BUT GENTLE

Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight and riding up too high on you. In fact you shouldn’t have even asked him, poor guy. He wants to have sex with you no matter how pudgy you are. I am the only person besides your mom who has the right (and responsibility) to tell you that. I should never be overly harsh when something doesn’t look good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague, expression “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you” HOLY SHIT, that that off, that looks terrible!” I owe it to you to give feedback like a cattle prod: painful but quick.

You have amazing taste, so we can also slightly revise this to read I WILL NEVER DISCOURAGE YOU FROM PURCHASING ANYTHING THAT IS SUPER CUTE REGARDLESS OF COST AND ESPECIALLY IF IT IS A DESIGNER LABEL.

I CAN DITCH YOU, WITHIN REASON

I can ditch you to hang out with a guy but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-a-ride-home practicalities have been worked out, prior to the event. In return, I need to talk about you a lot with that guy so he knows how much I love you.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR KID IF YOU DIE

I can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, I will do that. And you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. Incidentally, your kid will grow up loving Indian food.

This should be revised to read, I WILL ENSURE YOUR KID GROWS UP LOVING CHEESE OF ALL VARIETIES, READS ALL THINGS JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER, AND LISTENS TO ODYSSEY AND THIS AMERICAN LIFE.

I WILL NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH

If you are crippled with pain because of a UTI, I need to haul ass to CBS to get you some medicine, fast. I should also try to pick up a fashion magazine and the candy you like, because distracting you from your pain is part of nursing you back to health.

I will probably also bring you a bottle of nail polish because pretty nails are an instant improvement to any situation.

WE WILL TRADE OFF BEING SOCIAL ACTIVITIES CHAIR FOR OUTINGS

On trips together, I promise to man up and be the person who drives the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and has people pay me back later. Someone needs to check on YELP to see what the good brunch place is. Neither of us gets to be the princess all the time. I get that.

Neither of us are the princess, but we both know you won’t be driving. So perhaps this should be: I WILL DRIVE YOU EVERYWHERE AND DO ALL THE RESEARCH, BUT YOU’RE UP FOR ABSOLUTELY ANY ADVENTURE WHICH MAKES YOU MY BEST ADVENTUREMATE AND THAT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT.

I WILL KEEP YOUR FAVORITE FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCT AT MY HOUSE

Even though no one uses maxipads anymore, like you do, weirdo, I will keep a box at my house for when you come over.

            Gross, you have to take care of this yourself.

SAME WITH YOUR CONTACT LENS SOLUTION

I can’t believe you won’t get Lasik already. You can afford it. I know you read someone went blind from it, but that was like twenty years ago. Not getting Lasik at this point is like being that girl in 2006 who didn’t have a cell phone.

            This is also your problem.

I WILL TRY TO LIKE YOUR BOYFRIEND FIVE TIMES
This is a fair number of times to hang out with your boyfriend and withhold judgment.

  

WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER AT YOUR PLACE, I WON’T DROP THE TOWEL ON THE FLOOR

Your home isn’t a hotel. I forget sometimes because you make it so comfortable for me.    

IF YOU’RE DEPRESSED, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU

As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends.  I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you.

As long as you promise to be hilarious about the things you hate (like roommates, and bosses, and unfortunate events at Nordy’s Rack) I won’t even find you tedious – sometimes the depression is refreshing – at least we’re in this suckfest together!

           

IF OUR PHONE CONVERSATION GETS DISCONNECTED, THERE’S NO NEED TO CALL BACK

I get it. You get it. We take forever getting off the phone anyway. This was a blessing.

I WILL HATE AND RE-LIKE PEOPLE FOR YOU

But you can’t get mad if I can’t keep track. Robby? Don’t we hate him? No, we love him. Okay, okay. Sorry.

I PROMISE TO SING THE I HATE EVERYONE SONG WHENEVER NECESSARY AND REMIND YOU VIA TEXT MESSAGE THAT I HATE PEOPLE FOR YOU. You in turn must promise to keep the names of the beast list secret.

IT IS OK TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED

I know when you fall in love with someone that you will completely forget about me. That hurts my feelings, but it is okay. Please try to remember to text me, if you can, if you know I have something going on in my life, like a work promotions or something.

Let’s just both agree to get married at the same time and force our husbands to like each other. This should really be titled, WE WILL STAY FRIENDS REGARDLESS OF WHAT OUR HUSBANDS WANT.

NO TWO PEOPLE ARE BETTER THAN US.

We rock. No one can beat us.