the confession.

Something broke deep inside of me. 

I think I can pinpoint the moment when the fracture officially couldn’t withstand any more pressure and my heart seemed to erupt - but I am honestly not sure when or how the Lord is going to fix it. There was this moment when I was with #thecoffee5 having dinner at the Spaghetti Factory and we were eating and laughing and Stacey joked about her upcoming move to England and my heart just shattered within me. I guess it was one more loss and I just couldn’t take it. The friend that has always celebrated the joy for others and cheered them on regardless of her own circumstances was drowning and simply couldn’t find another breath. 

I have so much to be thankful for, much to rejoice in, and yet I find myself huddled over, asking Him to help me raise my hands in praise because I just don’t have it in me without His strength. I have never been here before - in this space where I am alone, defeated, and grasping for hope - trying to tell my heart to STOP caring so much because it’s too painful, but getting nowhere in that plight. I have been on my knees before the cross, in tears, more often than ever before. I’ve been begging Him to reveal what He is doing, asking Him to show me how He is working and yet I cannot seem to sense His nearness or His plan. I know and trust He is faithful and believe wholeheartedly that His best is far better than all I can comprehend. Still I am trapped in this present condition and find my humanity so utterly baffling and intensely frustrating. I want so much to not wrestle with the earthly and just be firmly settled in what is to come and yet here I am, desperately longing and entangled in the desires of this world. Wanting so much to be a wife and a mama and having absolutely no idea when (and if I’m honest, perhaps even if) the Lord is going to give me the desires of my heart. Continuing to learn the sacred dance of joy and sorrow - laughter and celebration alongside those I love - and tears alone for the things I yearn for, yet He has not supplied. 

I have this giant heart, that is undoubtedly a gift from the Lord but it is a bit different than many I have encountered. I give it away. In giant pieces. I give all of me and invest wholeheartedly in those I love. I pour it all out and it is beautiful, but it can also leave me as the wreckage. It is easy for me to feel misunderstood because my capacity to love is of Him. So in this moment, in this space where my friends are in another chapter — they’re married and have babies — the circumstances of life have ALSO left me feeling misunderstood and very much alone. I think I have finally figured out that together THAT has compounded and created the shattering. My friends still love me and care just as much as they ever have. They are busy - and I have always been gracious and empathetic with their realities - they have families and I love getting to be aunt shell to their littles - I love being a pseudo part of their family even if I don’t have my own yet. And still somehow my brokenness has created this sense that they’re all in a club together and I’m on the outside all by myself - invisible - unwanted - pushed aside. There have been a few specific circumstances that may have increased a sense of that stirring or feeling deep within me, but in general I think I am interpreting from the vast emptiness instead of clinging to truth. I’m 31 and single. Like never been asked on a date single. Life looks nothing like I expected - I have been praying and longing and hoping and asking and as the battle has waged on and on and on, it seems I’ve lost strength to combat the lies. 

So here it is, the confession. Something broke deep within me. I am lonely in a way I never thought I would be. I am sad that I am lonely and can’t seem to find the stamina to celebrate - that I am now the girl who needs to sneak away in the middle of the reception to cry for a moment for the husband I desire, or will drive home from the hospital after meeting that sweet baby in tears because I can virtually picture the family I long to build, but I will still show up. And I want to be honest and I know I cannot hide. I have an empathetic Father who lends His ear to the brokenhearted and promises to always hear and understand - so though I may feel entirely misunderstood from a human perspective, I can rest in knowing I am not unheard, unseen, or alone. 

“sometimes life offers us seasons of mourning. sometimes life offers us seasons of dancing. and sometimes, perhaps more often, life offers us both.”