the headaches...

The headaches are still so real. SO REAL. There are days it seems that is what the entirety of my life boils down to - a lens of pain and endless desperate attempts to just get through it - to get home - to be horizontal yet again. I long to be unconscious so I don’t have to think about the nagging, gnawing uncomfortable that is a constant presence. This has gone on long enough that I feel like a broken record. I hear the lies shouting at me to choose silence - to let the tears fall behind closed doors and shut everyone out. I didn’t realize it could be this hard - that I could be this sad. I used to be able to enjoy things, to be genuinely excited for all life held. It seems even that has been taken from me in this journey. I am weary and heavy-hearted and honestly have never felt more alone. And yet I know my feet are planted on the firm foundation. On Christ the solid rock I stand. I trust His sovereignty even if none of this makes any sense and I feel more lost and confused than perhaps ever before. I am seen and known and loved by the Creator of the Universe. In the midst of the fall apart I know my life is for His glory and it isn't about earth or the temporal. I will look back at some point and think it all went so quickly. Right now it feels endless and impossibly long - but it won't always look bleak and empty like it does today. So I cling to the anchor of hope and trust Him to repay every tear with joy. Someday I will laugh again without giving even a thought to how much it hurt - and that will be so very good.