me.

I have done a lot of borrowing future pain. I have spent more than enough time anticipating what I may not get to taste this side of heaven. It started years ago as I watched friends date, fall in love, ultimately get married and start their families. I don’t have a dating history to speak of. I could stop here and include a lengthy explanation for some of the potential reasons - but ultimately, I have to believe I won’t miss His best for me. The Bible is so very clear - every GOOD AND PERFECT gift comes from the Father - even when those gifts are pain and suffering and they seem utterly incomprehensible to us - they are for our good and they draw us nearer to Him. 

The pain deepened and only got sharper as those closest to me moved into the next seasons and chapters of their lives. It became increasingly difficult to find anyone who could or perhaps would choose to understand the unique space in which I existed. A life full of meaning and purpose, opportunities to serve and give, to love and be loved, widely but perhaps not nearly as deeply as I would have hoped. A life where constant companionship cannot be found and while I have many friends, I often battle loneliness and a reality where more often than not, it is just me and Jesus. Throughout the past several years I have wrestled and battled and waged war with my Maker. I have had moments that felt so empty and hopeless I would for sure have told you marriage was not even a possibility I could comprehend. Even still, in the deepest places within me I have always had hope. Hope that there is a plan for me that will shock and surprise and astound me with His goodness and unfailing love. Even now as I type that I want to posture it with the caveat that I know that the Bible doesn’t promise me a husband and perhaps when I am 50 I will look back and tell you that I moved to Africa at 35 and adopted children and it was the exact story He had for me - I know whatever it is will be enough…but even still…I hope. The flesh and bones human part of me - maybe the part that has watched too many Hallmark movies or sees how good it can be hopes for conventional on some level. For serving together. For chasing Jesus together - even in Africa. 

Here’s the point of all this. I have done a lot of borrowing pain from tomorrow - because sometimes today feels a little bit empty. I have done a lot of pursuing people and asking them to be my friend and hang out with me. I have done a lot of giving myself and my time to others. I’ve showed up for their celebrations and rejoiced with them at their showers, their weddings, the birthday parties for their kids. There is a part of that from Him that is beautiful and life-giving and I will keep being that girl, loving well and giving more. And there is a part of that I just can’t do anymore. It is time to stop anticipating what I will not have - and just enjoy what I do. ME. I have me. So, I’m embracing alone - and it is hard and I don’t always love it and it does feel kind of uncomfortable and weird - but I am doing it. I’ve been to four movies alone already this year. I just bought a ticket to see Book of Mormon alone because you know what I love the theatre. I have read two books and it is only January 14th. There is a beautiful world out there for me to take in - and I’m gonna go see it - relish it - enjoy it. I’m going to celebrate ME because for now - that is wonderfully enough.