single alone...

I have decided being single isn’t that hard. 

I like the freedom of being able to make a purchase without the approval of my husband (hello darling black and white striped skirt from Target that is on sale… but totally unnecessary… but will be ridiculously darling at my cousins engagement party this weekend. Get in my cart - you’re coming home with me!). I like hanging out with friends when I want to and having the flexibility to just grab dinner on the way home without stopping to think about what he might want or need to eat (or what he might think of what I am about to eat for that matter). I LOVE lounging on my best’s couch at midnight watching real housewives or don’t be tardy knowing full well it’s a horrible idea but relishing that time when her kids are in bed or cuddled up on her lap and her husband is asleep. Being single allows me so many of the opportunities I love. I can pour into people and show up in all the ways I want to and for that I am truly grateful.

Being single alone is hard. 

That’s the truth. That’s reality. That is where all the sadness comes in. And you’re right. We are never truly alone. The Lord is always with us and He is ever faithful to draw close as we lean into Him. However, in my little life, in my amazing circle, in my comfy cozy corner, it’s coming down to just me and it’s painful to be the one left-behind, left-out, left-waiting. And it is just going to keep happening. I feel like I keep waiting for the moment when I can catch my breath, when I won’t be gearing up for a celebration, but that space isn’t coming. Right now one of my very best friends from college is engaged and getting married in November…another sweet friend just announced she is pregnant with her first…one of my best friends is literally waiting for a diamond…and one of my four is falling in love. This is my life. It is going to happen on repeat. I am constantly caught. With the lump. In the tremendous joy of celebrating their dreams and feeling like I’m watching them walk into another chapter without me. And that isn’t to say they’re walking away from me completely, but embracing the change and figuring out how to reconfigure our friendships has to become the new normal. They walk into seasons of great joy and hope and answered prayers…of partnership…of little girl dreams come true. And I stay. Clinging to truth. Trusting His plan. Praying through the haze of puffy eyes and a steady stream of tears.